Episode Summaries

Episode 2 (6/24) — Recap to come…

Episode 1 (6/17)

Well, Episode 1 should have started with a warning that “Many squirrels, rabbits, and grouse were killed to make this episode,” rather than the “No animals were harmed in the making of this film” statement you usually see. Okay, I’ll get off my PETA podium and move on to the snark!

Okay, David, this was predictable and anticipated by our pool participants. Tapping out in the first few days because you miss your kids, using the “I want to be a good dad” excuse instead of owning up to the fact that you can’t fish or hunt, is pathetic. Yep, I said it, no holds barred on this one… 

After seeing Jack’s performance in her first few days in the Arctic, I’m predicting a decline in people signing up for her Wildcard Wilderness classes. I mean, on Day Two, she’s already complaining the Airbnb is “brutal,” and she’s sleeping in to avoid venturing out, which, in retrospect, may have been a good idea given she loses her sweater on her first walkaround. My scoffing escalated with her ridiculous declaration that “I don’t know anything about this place!” and her multiple references to  having lost her mom five years ago (I’m assuming she meant she died and not just that she wandered off misplaced?) Living the van life for 3 years didn’t seem to give her the baseline preparation she thought it would. Let’s be honest, “roughing” it on the road when you’re dry and have indoor plumbing is a far cry from sleeping under a dripping tarp!

Forgetting he’s a contestant for an Arctic minute, our frustrated documentarian starts filming his own meta-doc inside a doc, showing us the 65 pounds of AV equipment they’re each given. And then, back to the harsh reality when we hear Nero singing “Catch a rabbit by the foot if it hollers, bludgeon it” …isn’t that how the beloved childhood rhyme goes? Is it me, or have you ever seen somebody get so excited about an EMPTY wine bottle? Too bad it didn’t contain a message from Jacks asking for fresh towels.

Will’s TripAdvisor location rating gets a 0 out of 10, as he shares, “…thought I heard something, but it was just bugs!” Then, 3, 2, 1… until Home Depot and Lowe’s start selling mouth drills. And, oh yeah, I’m already searching Etsy for a berry picker!

Goooooooooal! And Portugal scores a hat-trick of killing small animals. Oh, wait, wrong show. Every episode has to have a nut job, and I think I’ve identified this season’s. Verbally chastising himself, asking “Why am I so stupid? while continuously reminding himself to keep his ego in check is classic schizoid behavior. (Yes, I’ve watched a lot of procedural crime dramas.) Okay, you can give Clementino a pass on these chaotic early days, but keep in mind his demented self-care of moisturizing his lips with squirrel fat. Don’t say I didn’t tell you…

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Pre-Season (6/17)

Episode 1 airs tonight, Wednesday, June 17, at 9PM EST & PST, 8PM CST on the History Channel. If you don’t have the History Channel on your cable lineup, you can watch the episode the next day on the History Channel app or check out this link. Season 13 kicks off with a familiar location and more testosterone than previous seasons, with only one female participant. Wow, this is our biggest pool ever with 30 participants from around the country. Here are some quick stats on your picks. To see more detailed info, click on the Charts button below.

Aaron & Will both received the most votes from our pool participants to be the last man standing, while David and Clementino received no love from our pool, with nobody thinking they’ll go the distance.

And poor David received the lowest overall votes (meaning everyone thinks he’ll go out early), so it will be interesting to see if our pool participants guessed right or if he proves to be a dark horse.

Like in previous years, I’ll be writing snarky, sometimes humorous episode recaps for your reading pleasure. Enjoy, and may the best guesser win! Click the button above to see charts that show who’s winning, the guesses of all participants, and who everyone ranked as the best and the worst.