It’s here! If you don’t have the History Channel on your cable line-up, you can watch the episode the next day on the History Channel app or check out this link. Like in previous years, I’ll be writing snarky, sometimes humorous episode recaps for your reading pleasure. Enjoy, and may the best guesser win! In the meantime, click below to see charts that show who’s winning, the guesses of all participants, and who everyone ranked as the best and the worst.

Episode Summaries

Episode 10 — The Finale!! (8/21)

Katie took her shot and missed, which led to her ruminating about needing to let go of what’s old and move ahead, blah, blah, blah. Anyway, long story short, she tapped out, leaving only Nathan and Kelsey.

After telling us it was all coming down to a mental game and this was her very own adventure to decide when she left because she didn’t have a husband, kids, or a job, Kelsey went on an invigorating walk. Or so we thought. After five minutes, she declared she was exhausted and wanted to go out with her boots on (as opposed to taking them off and carrying them out?), and our last great female hope tapped out.

And then there was Nathan. We learned that he and his wife have 10 children, and now we understand why he built such a permanent shelter. He was definitely enjoying the quiet mornings of solitude with his cup of roasted buffalo thorn coffee and hoped to stay for a long time, much longer than the 34 days he ultimately did! Adding insult to injury, as he sat down to eat his four-foot-long catfish and design his new home’s interior, his son popped up and told him he’d won. Definitely a good news, bad news situation!

But it’s all good news for our pool winner! This was definitely a nail-biter finish between last year’s contest winners. If either Kelsey or Kate had tapped out last, Julie would have won the pool again. But Nathan was the last man standing, and Kayla, the co-winner with Julie from last year’s pool, is this year’s sole winner! Whatever strategy Kayla and Julie are using to choose their pool contestants is definitely working. We may have to run background checks on both of them to ensure no History Channel employees are in their friend circles. Until next year…

Episode 9 (8/14)

One episode to go! Spoiler Alert: No one tapped out this week, so there are no changes to the charts, but it’s looking more and more like an all-female finish with the contestant AND our pool participants (Go Julie!)

They said I’d lose weight, get a tan, and eat warthog jerky! In this next-to-last episode, Kelsey lists all the high points of being an Alone contestant while slowly starving and mentally drafting her “How to Wing It” adventure book debut. As a last-ditch effort to get food, she hikes a half-mile to a new fishing spot only to experience an equipment malfunction that bolsters her “you can’t be successful without failure ” credo.

Katie, who hasn’t had any protein since Day One, manages to look fantastic (have you seen such lustrous hair?!) I mean, who needs Bonne Bell LipSmackers when you can make a buffalo thorn poultice? And en route to reaching the Promised Land (an 8-mile round-trip hike to a new fishing and hunting location), she stumbles, but happily exclaims, “Fresh poop!” as she starts to track her prey.

Look up Beast Mode in any dictionary, and you’ll see Nathan’s picture. This unassuming he-man rebuilt his crumbling shelter into an impenetrable humble abode. To get there, he had to carry a huge log and use moist clay from termite mounds to glue the grasses and logs together. He’s so entrenched, I’m guessing he’ll still be there when the next season starts.

Episode 8 (8/7)

And then there were three—or really two women and one man—so two left because, let’s be honest, we want one of the women to win!

Today’s episode is brought to you by the letter A for Animals. Seeing a rhinoceros family (that she can’t hunt), Kelsey declares, “It’s a three-rhino kind of day.” And we know how she’s feeling as she runs low on warthog jerky and is stalked by a Westside story-like gang of 60 baboons. Once again, cementing her crown as this season’s Renaissance woman, she crafts a dreamcatcher for her godchild, tells us how she trained Badger the burro to be a Grand Champion, which ultimately helped shape her life manifesto to think about what’s in front of her, not what’s behind her, exclaiming, “Be Rhino Strong!” And as we end our Animal Allegory episode, she shows us the true definition of a bad hair day while yelling at the passing geese as they honk in clamorous agreement.

Watch out Wegovy, Katie is down 22 pounds in 22 days. Yeah, you could take weekly shots, but you could also sign up as a contestant on Alone. Speaking of food, her restaurant of choice this episode was Souplanation dining on a buffalo thorn leaf and acacia seed soup one day, a wild garlic, wild mint, and acacia seed soup another day, and the ultimate sedge plant survival stew. With food security temporarily handled, Katie focused on her shelter and, to avoid a second baboon incursion, finished mudding it and locked it tight as she went off to forage, one wallaby hat down.

So, Nathan’s fishing was an unimaginable success. Can we describe his evening meal in one word or three? Turducken (or scorpcatfishfish?!) Even with this mystical meal, I can almost foresee his unfortunate yet long foretold demise as he discusses the Stoics whilst his shelter crumbles amidst the dark confession that he knowingly overbuilt it, much is the foolishness of all men. Oh, sorry, this isn’t a Game of Thrones episode, is it? It could be, though, with the amount of skin he shared with us, fishing in his briefest shorts. You know, ratings…

Episode 7 (7/31)

Let’s all say it out loud — Girl Power!! Fingers crossed for the next three episodes…

I guess there was a reason why fire was such a game changer for humans…something Baha learned the hard way, waking up seven(!!) times a night to keep his fire going. And sounding like a true politician as he realized he wasn’t going to last, he started backpedaling that he didn’t really need the prize money (even though earlier he said he did), and was his purpose really to win? He even went so far as to say that maybe no sign was the sign for him to leave. Jeez, tap out already! And he did…

I can’t relate to experiencing a spiritual reckoning at 22, but I think the little kid in all of us can appreciate Katie’s thunderdome—err, I mean big dome shelter—she’s building out of mud pies. Forseeing failure at hunting, she focuses on fishing and reminiscing about the good old days of primitive living school in the pine barrens of NJ. Now, remind me what exit that is off the turnpike?

Sometimes, the size of the tool really matters, at least according to Kelsey, who wants to kill a waterbuck or wildebeest but only has a bow that will kill animals the size of a warthog. We see her sensitive side as she ugly cries about not having any food, telling us that walking is the only thing keeping her from tapping out. Who knew all it would take to get her back on track was a hug from a giant tortoise?

And now we discover why Nathan is on the show. The dramatic “NBC Olympic athlete brings tears to your eyes” backstory is revealed. Everyone has something going on, even on Alone. Nathan’s 11-year-old son suffered an accident that caused brain damage that ultimately led to his overdose death. We learn this after we hear a story about a dad, a son, and a screaming pregnant rabbit. There’s a lot to unpack, so the editors end on a high note, a successful reel-in of a 4-foot-long catfish.

Episode 6 (7/24)

The absence of Katie in this week’s episode tells us that either she’s our winner and they have a lot of film of her still to come, or she will flame out in a spectacular fashion next week. Either way, we have four more episodes to go.

“I coulda been a contender.” Dug’s litany of what could’ve happened had he not fallen into the bush (broken something, torn something, died…) lasted longer than the amount of time he was passed out. Yeah, fainting is always kinda scary, but dude, drink more water and relax. I agree with your ego, leaving on Day 14 is embarrassing when you’re well fed, well rested, and have water.

“My warthog is running low” — I’m betting on this soon becoming a heavily used meme caption. Kelsey, feeling the need to get more food, takes a walkabout every day but is more successful in the water in this episode, catching a 15-pound catfish with her homemade styrofoam bobber. Of course, like any good reality show, there must be some drama. As she licked her plate clean, she wondered out loud if the other contestants had full bellies like her or were eating grass…meow!

Nathan built his shelter in a self-described “laying stone” style (AKA Alone code for laying pipe). I mean, it is cold and lonely out there… But seriously, it’s a traditional dry stack with a sand filler building technique that requires vast amounts of calories. Hopefully, it pays off as the nights get colder, and his great childhood memories don’t sustain him and only make him miss his mom even more. Oh, and fishing with a mouse, yuck!

Is it just me, or is Baha on a different show? One where we’re subjected to a continuous philosophical, self-important diatribe. And the episode even ends with night shots (yes, artistic black-and-white film) of him and a very starry sky. The clay bricks he formed were cool, but I don’t know how those are going to work in his tarp tent.

Episode 5 (7/17)

Hey, kids, there’s a new Flat Stanley in town, meet Flat Elephant Shrew! Nathan introduced this new game to us as he glanced up and commented, “Hmmm, the sky is looking ominous.” Okay, editors cue the start of the heavy-handed foreshadowing from all contestants.

We were getting Little House on the Prairie vibes as Kelsey excitedly made a ponytail holder from her bow tie. But when she said, “I have no concerns about being in a dry river bed, as it’s not the rainy season,” we knew trouble was heading her way. If that wasn’t enough, she crafted a bench that could also serve as a clothes drying rack—sooo much foreshadowing! However, when the rains came and flooded her shelter, she didn’t give up. She relocated to higher ground and spent the next day drying out her stuff. Every hero(oine) needs a challenge in the second act…

After a quick round of Jeopardy (What is Acacia gum?), looking at the fast-moving clouds and darkening sky, Dug posited, “I wonder if weather’s moving in ?” More prophetic words were never spoken by a man living under a tree. He went on to share his inspirational poster-worthy “Persistence is the path to learning and success,” and “Persistence does pay off,” as he caught a grub and turned it into a roasted catfish dinner.

With family and food heavy on Douglas’s mind, we could hear the beginnings of a tiny violin orchestra as we learned his father was diagnosed with cancer shortly before he left for Africa. And not having seen any of Dug’s motivational posters, he quickly gave up on his fishing foray and lay down for a final rest, where he was confronted by hail and his bad decision not to build a shelter. “I don’t expect it to rain, but things happen.” Yep, Douglas saw the storm as a sign that things happen for a reason, and standing in his soaking wet clothes, he tapped out. Reinforcing that karma is a bitch, his father died before he returned home.

Summing up the episode for all the contestants, Baha exclaimed, “It’s sucky!” as rain leaked through his tarp, soaking all his belongings.

“Everything got wet!” Katie exclaimed as she hunkered down to start a weaving project, ensuring her shelter remained warmer and drier for the next deluge. Given how little we saw of her this episode, we’re either looking at our first female winner or someone who is a really bad camera operator and gave the show’s editors nothing to work with.

Episode 4 (7/10)

No contestants tapped out this week so all the charts are the same as last time. And it looks like everyone is getting tired of eating plants so the hunting and fishing has begun.

Growing up a self-acclaimed feral kid in a cabin in the middle of nowhere could have been Leatherface’s origin story, but instead, we have Douglas. There were no Three Rs for Douglas; his isolated childhood taught him: Days = Water, Weeks = Food, Hours = Body Temperature. Last episode, we heard about his job and co-workers, please don’t tell us he lives with his mother…

Patagonia does it with water bottles, and now, repurposing has come to Alone with Dug, who made a fishing lure from his underwear and belt stitching. The lure proved a hit, helping him catch his first fish, only to lose it to the Alone curse of “all fish must jump off the hook right before they land.” Like most other contestants, Dug has become an involuntary vegan living on lots of plants, including the Prickly Pear Cacti and Buffalo Thorn Leaves, two plants whose names scream, “Don’t eat me! Luckily for Dug, his menu expanded this episode to include a roasted scorpion kebab.

Keeping with the food theme, Baha cooked up a hearty fish head soup, remarking he was glad he brought salt as one of his tools, which leads me to think his recipe wasn’t winning any awards. Of course, this followed his confession that not bringing a ferro road was a bad strategy, as he feared the smoke from constantly keeping a fire going was possibly repelling animals (otherwise known as potential meals!) This, coupled with the fact that he had to relocate his shelter (again) as the tide was advancing, is giving off bad vibes about his endurance…

Katie is a true warrior woman. She vacillates between dreaming about ambush hunting and her wonderful kids, as she casually shows us how she made string out of acacia bark. Okay, we’ve all considered doing this, but how many of us have actually done it? Katie then used the string to make a stronger shelter as the sky was starting to look like “rain is coming.” Later, she took a shot at an Ibis and missed, but she quickly recovered and went fishing. These women are rocking it!

Seems Nathan can’t go an episode without mentioning the legacy of his survivalist father, but that’s okay, at least it tracks with all the other male contestants and their daddy issues. Looking under rocks seems like the Alone equivalent of a dating app — you’re never sure what you’ll find, but you make the most of it. In Nathan’s case, he saw a scorpion but chose to upgrade and use it for bait instead of dinner. This decision paid off as he landed a whale, um, er, a 20-pound catfish.

Episode 3 (6/26)

And then there were none. Who knew Alone was the new Agatha Christie mini-series, more about who is going out than who can last? And what’s with so many close-up shots of ants, just so many shots of ants!! (I might have a phobia…)

Okay, join me in watching the latest Paul Thomas Anderson film,” The Legend of Lamb, aka There Will Be (lots of) Blood.” It’s a twisty up-and-down drama about Will, formed years ago by an alcoholic and abusive father whose sage advice to him when facing adversity was “better than a turd.” Along his journey, we witness a dramatic black light scorpion, hear a stunning revelation that fish does taste good, and chant the age-old mantra “shoulda killed the kudu.” We knew where this was heading from the jump; sadly, there was no legendary ending for Will; he succumbed to a digestive issue — brought on by an acacia bean and prickly pear cocktail? We’ll never know. Carried off on a stretcher, Will missed the drudgery of breaking down his campsite and carrying his supplies—a legend to the end.

And now, for a Public Service Announcement (PSA), please drink more water. If this Alone thing doesn’t pan out, Kelsey is well on her way to a social media influencer career based on a “Hydrate Now” message. Of course, unflavored still water is always better with smoked warthog eaten while dreamily staring off into the distance sitting alongside your meat tree. And if her likability could be any higher, she did a self-admittedly “meh” David Attenborough impression describing the cave-dwelling white-fronted bee-eater birds. We’re rooting for her but sheltering in a dry riverbed… let’s hope the “no rain” forecast holds.

It’s too bad this isn’t a time travel show, and Pablo couldn’t have traveled back a few days to watch Kelsey’s hydration rant. Of course, you might argue that anyone planning to spend time in a desert would have a hydration plan and shouldn’t lament about not bringing a water bottle. Sadly, unlike his more famous countryman, our Cuban friend didn’t have a resourceful (and funny) Lucy to take care of him. Oh well, yo-yo fishing was cool to watch, but ultimately, stating,” It’s just too much,” Pablo tapped out.

Silver Fox Douglas shared his experience working at a water plant for 24 years and that he pridefully could not go out because of a hydration issue. Subsequently, showing off to his old colleagues, he crafted a large water container from an agave root ball. Yep, we’re believing him when he says, “Primitive technology taught me all I need to know about life.”

Episode 2 (6/19)

Addressing Father Figure Issues and Their Impact on White Males. No, this isn’t a self-help show, but a few contestants clearly signed up for the wrong program.

Let’s start with Nathan, a seemingly successful grown man who owns a software company yet continues to feel a responsibility to carry on his father’s late legacy as a true mountain man. The constant reminiscing about what his dad taught him growing up has just begun. So, for you drinking game enthusiasts, have fun this season and take a shot every time he says, “My father/dad.” 

Colton shares that his father, who passed away when he was 22, taught him to be tough and not to worry about the little things. However, this causes him to spiral. While the other contestants focus on building shelters and catching food, Colton wanders the desolate landscape, lamenting the absence of distractions that could keep him from thinking about his dad. This leads to significant depression. Ultimately, his emotional struggle outweighs his hunger, thirst, and need for shelter, prompting him to say, “I need help. I need to talk to someone.” Despite his tough exterior, complete with a beard and plaid shirt, he finds himself unable to cope and taps out on Day 4.*

Baha joins this season as the survivalist realtor, focusing on “location, location, location.” On his first day, he hikes two miles for better morning sunlight and builds a sundial. After struggling for two days to start a fire with a bow drill and dried feces, he finally succeeded. He boils water, constructs a willow branch shelter, and takes a much-needed siesta, somehow managing to survive another day.

Dug might be the one to watch if he can improve his camera skills—less SVU shaky cam and more Spielberg Steadicam. We learned that he was drawn into the adventure game by the enticing lure of “friction fire” and his fourth-grade reading of “My Side of the Mountain.” And despite his clumsy stabbing technique, he managed to catch two small crabs for dinner and created some pretty cool karee wood chopsticks.

We wrapped up the episode with our white-bearded Santa lookalike, Douglas, who taught us about the art of flintknapping—making tools from sedimentary rock (flint). Watch out, knitting circles! And, in a moment reminiscent of The Blair Witch Project, Douglas heard a noise and spotted a rhinoceros. After the jump scare, he quickly returned to his folksy grandpa persona, serenading us with a whistled tune from an acorn cap.

* For those of you keeping score, we re-viewed the first two episodes, and it appears that Jit tapped out earlier in the day than Colton, so Jit was the first to go.

Episode 1 (6/12)

Season 12 kicked off with a new location and energy, given there would be no frostbitten toes, and soap was one of the items contestants picked to take with them. Oh, and the location, the Great Karoo Desert, no pressure there…

Taking a break from Love Island South Africa, Will started the show by informing us, “I’m made for this, bro!” I think the cackling baboons’ response echoed all of our reactions.

And not to be redundant so early in the season, but can I just say baboons? Perhaps a side game of drinking whenever anyone says baboon might make for a more relaxed evening? Anyway, Kelsey and her camera friend Karen seem overly concerned with them, but it proved to be nothing a salted warthog couldn’t make her forget. 

Pablo showed such promise digging his coyote well, only to learn later he made the rookie mistake of not measuring twice and cutting once when he returned to his now underwater hole in the ground.

Katie, the woman we all think we’d be if we were in a zombie apocalypse video game, but I digress… I mean, night fishing in the first few days; now you’re just showing off!

And yes, I’m going there. To quote Britney Spears, ”Oops, I did it again.” Jit has left the building. Prickly Pear Cactus, tainted water—we’ll never know what got Jit in the end, but Day 4 proved to be his last day on the continent.