Episodes 11 & 12
***SPOILER ALERT ***
***DON’T READ IF YOU HAVEN’T WATCHED THE LAST TWO EPISODES***
To paraphrase the great Sinead O’ Connor,
“It’s been seven hours and 84 days
Since u took your love away
I go out every night and sleep all day…
But nothing
I said nothing can take away these blues
‘Cause nothing compares
Nothing compares to you”
Yep, it’s dark and lonely in the Arctic, which ended up being the downfall for both of our runners-up.
Dub, hoping to bring home the series win, wore his beaver fur-covered rally cap but, alas, admitted that he was running on fumes. Among the last three contestants, he seemed to have the hardest time with the 20 hours of darkness, comparing it to solitary confinement. At one point, lying in his shelter looking like he’s at the worst slumber party ever, he starts to spiral, imagining one of his family members dying while he’s gone. Still, it did appear he had the stamina to last until he admitted he really missed his mom. And with that harbinger of doom, he tapped out.
Vacillating between a feed-the-children telethon and a GOT-like Trial by Fire game show, Timber packed a lot in this episode, even tricking us with a feigned tap-out call. Kudos to this guy who carved the game pieces, die, and pencil to keep himself (and us) entertained during those long nights. After eating a delicious scoop of rabbit brain and declaring that he might have to cut off a few toes to continue, Timber showed his softer side, sacrificing a fishtail for a wild animal to eat. Short of throwing up a 1-800 number to call, Timber delivered a sermon on the dichotomy of having experienced both food insecurity and a food windfall during his time in the Arctic, tying in how so many children go hungry every day. Okay, we thought he was a nice guy, but now he’s been canonized, which he cemented by altruistically tapping out after proving he could win. He determined the only reason to remain was to win the money (which one might argue is the whole reason all the contestants were here in the first place, but let’s stick with this more endearing storyline for now.) Timber rationalized that the money would run out before he could help everyone, and it would then set up a barrier between him and the very people he was trying to help. Unbelievably declaring, “It’s not just about Kill Big Game and Win,” he tapped out, for real this time.
And then there was William (who, by the way, was my choice to marry if you played the FKM game last week!) This mild-mannered 49-year-old with a heavy Canadian accent goes home 75 pounds lighter but with the win and weight of a $500,000 check. After downing raw fish spawn and liver like he was training for a round with Apollo Creed, William admitted to missing his wife (and best friend), kids, and pets but showed no signs of leaving any time soon. That is until his wife snuck up on him, yelling, “You won! You won!” Okay, she seems pretty cool, and I can’t be the only one who wants to see them in an “Alone (Together)” couples season. I mean come on, he’s basically written the next season with his parting words uttered over the whirring helicopter soundtrack: “If you have Champion of the Champions, I’m coming back!” Get your popcorn ready!
Episode 10
And then there were three…Dub, Timber, and William. Okay, at this point, if you had to choose one to last the longest, who would it be? Or maybe a more fun game, F–k, Marry, Kill?
Woe is me; things are bleak, and my mom could be dying; oh wait, I caught a fish (40″ pike)! Yes, that’s how fast things can change in the mind of our favorite recluse. Accompanying himself on a handmade guitar, Dub serenaded us with the bleak lyrics, “My tank is empty. I miss my mom,” more reminiscent of an old Hank Willimas tune than a man on a solo journey. Although not one of the judging criteria for who wins, it bears mentioning that Dub’s video production standards were subpar compared to Timber’s YouTube Influencer-edited video. In addition to placing far second in the music video competition, he had an inferior fishing set-up compared to William’s luxury fishing vacation. Seriously, standing over a hole in the ice is so Season 5. And who knew “fashion plate” and Dub would ever be uttered in the same sentence? But that was the headline as we watched him stroll the catwalk to a pulsating beat, wearing a beanie adorned with bits of an old scarf and the season’s most requested accessory, squirrel fur. What would an episode be if there wasn’t some “will he tap out, or won’t he” drama? Dub’s dilemma was his improperly constructed shelter roof, which allowed condensation to form on his tarp and drop onto his sleeping bag. Oh my!
Timber rocked the wilderness this episode, playing a one-string moose guitar and singing the new Alone anthem, “If You Find My Body.” And yes, I’ve done the deep dive Google searching for you and shooting up the charts like a rocket, here is the soon-to-be classic video. (Of course, you also get this when you search Timber Alone Video.) This episode wasn’t all rock star vibes, though, as Timber expressed concern that although his food stash is substantial, some of it is getting moldy, and the dried jerky is hurting his teeth. He’s also been unsuccessful in securing other food sources. Timber’s “uh oh” moment came when he almost caught his shelter on fire, commenting that he needed to think about how to make it safer. Basically, he needs to buckle in mentally to outlast the other contestants. Rock on!
We had to wait almost to the end, but here we have it, the Season 11 catchphrase: “What a boom size!” William uttered it, and, thankfully, the subtitle confirmed it. I’m assuming it’s a very Canadian thing to say when you catch a big pike full of eggs!? William’s usual positive attitude (A trait that’s better than almost anything!”) disappeared when he started rambling about his reduced odds of winning because he was pretty sure that one of the other contestants got a moose or bear. How could he know?!? Unless Sassy heard through the barking(?) chain and tried to broker a deal with him for a go at one of the fish he caught. That may be a stretch, so let’s go with William’s Inuit background, affording him a spiritual connection with the land. Whatever it was, William was definitely the most comfortable contestant this week as he casually grabbed a grouse with a snare and set up a riverside campsite, which allowed him to have a fire and stay warm, all while watching for a stick to move, alerting him to several fish on the line. He also built an icebox cache to hold all his fish, bait, and hooks and keep Sassy out, which it appeared to do successfully. Unlike the other contestants, William had no “is he tapping out next” moment in this episode, so we shall see…
Episode 9
Day 40 was a dark and stormy night. It was 28 degrees outside, and all the women had tapped out. Remaining were three disillusioned men, the kind of edge-of-society characters that populate Stephen King’s novels and sometimes turn out to be the good guys, but not all the time.
We’re in the homestretch; there are only three episodes left.
Timber, prepping for his sure-to-be post-Alone Influencer fame, played to the cameras with a one-person Shakespeare performance. The 38-year-old humanitarian aid worker from Indiana wants to win to secure a permanent home for his family after moving them 38 times. It sounds like he’s one move away from a visit from Child Services…
After devouring a soup of sweet vetch and dock roots* and stalwartly declaring, “I’m not done yet,” Sarah‘s body turned on her, and she tapped out with a possible kidney infection. After all the berries she ate, there weren’t enough cranberries in the Tundra to save her. To avoid this same fate, if you find yourself lost and hungry in the Tundra, check out this site to find out what’s edible and what’s not.
Everyone knows not to go in the basement, not to add water to Gremlins after midnight, and not to say Beetlejuice three times. Everyone except for Dub, who decided to take a midnight trip to check his gill nets, rationalizing there is “no place safer for me than the middle of a dark forest in the middle of the night.” Said no woman ever. Amazingly, his ill-advised foray ended uneventfully, and he celebrated by sharing with us a three-day burping and diarrhea extravaganza.
And I’m sure we’re all thinking the same thing: it’s just a matter of time before Beaver Paw starts appearing on Cracker Barrel’s new Local Flavors menu. Although, you may have to pay extra to enjoy it like William did with a bit of fur! It’s funny how the same man who can catch a grouse with a snare from about 10 feet away is such a sensitive soul with such strong beliefs — Calm seas don’t make good sailors. When the going gets tough, the tough get going. Pain is weakness leaving the body. Of course, his talent and strong convictions could lead him to finish on top.
Episode 8
Much like the famous plea for “more cowbell,” it looks like the History Channel is vying for more viewers, upping its violence since the bare-chested Timber didn’t bring in the viewers they had hoped for. Sadly, this episode had numerous scenes of fish and beavers being beaten over the head and stomped on. Yeah, I know they’re eating what they catch, but still, is there any reason this can’t happen off-camera?
Subtitles aren’t just for French films anymore, as our Canadian friend William has to have captions so we can understand what he’s ranting about. Reading along, we learned his family’s favorite pastime is a campfire boil-up and that there’s “good fat in the tongue.” (I’m hoping he’s talking about a beaver.)
Dub, outfitted like a Portland urban hiker wearing a wool cap and Harry Potter glasses, never failed to entertain us. He fell into the 37-degree water and had to walk a mile back to his camp. And we’re still waiting to hear from the Alaska authorities on any charges he’ll face for moose stalking after tracking and harassing a poor creature across the river.
Timber, perhaps prepping for his second act as a writer of romance fan fiction, shared that he was a feral creature whose wife tamed him and that they were two souls who found each other. He also proved that where there’s fire, there will be smoke and lots of it, so a new chimney is at the top of the Honey-Do list.
Sarah is either the Alone whisperer and will win it all, or she’ll be the next person to tap out since she hardly gets any screen time. Of course, it could also be that she is just a really shitty camera operator. Sarah did say she has an advantage once the snow settles in because she’s from Alaska…sly like a fox?
Episode 7
After telling himself “to quit being a little sissy” and telling us to appreciate what we have while also sharing that if he were to leave early, he and his wife couldn’t afford a second IVF round, Isiah promptly tapped out. Tiny violin music could be heard across the tundra as he was whisked away.
Healthy, shirtless, and manic, as usual, Timber showed us all what an actual pissing contest looked like, marking his territory to keep away those pesky bears. He also gave us the Millennial generation business strategy and his way forward: Don’t Accomplish Things. Of course, this might be exactly what you’d expect someone with a cache of moose meat and a warm shelter to say. And Timber, like so many other contestants, talks about God being with him, so I’m starting to think that, in fairness to the atheist contestants, God should count as one of the 10 items they can choose to bring with them.
Sarah seemed like an afterthought in this episode, as if the show’s producers realized they had too much testosterone and grudgingly showed us her making flour into a bread-like substance, which she ate with “yummy” grouse broth. Maybe making up for all her self-loathing last week, she felt compelled to tell us that she “has a damn fine husband.” You be the judge.
William showed us to be quite the Renaissance man this week, gorging on rosehips, sucking down fish oil, catching a fish, and eating the brain of a rabbit he caught. And, girls, if that doesn’t reel you in, he also turned a previously abandoned 2-liter milk jug into a nighttime pee bottle. Martha Stewart has nothing on him!
Dub may have missed the moose, but he did catch a monster 44-inch pike, exclaiming that he would win the competition “one pike at a time.” Or one grouse at a time, as he also caught one of those. If you were multitasking during the show and had the volume turned down or off, you missed Dub’s melodic moose mating calls, which, sadly for us, did not lead to a moose-Dub hook-up. Oh well, there’s always tomorrow.
Episode 6
Last week’s episode served up a classic misdirect ploy. It took us down the path of showing Timber feeling really sick and Isaiah having trouble breathing, but it ended up with Jake tapping out. And, if you’ve watched at least one season of Alone, you know a bowel obstruction is the ultimate tap-out raison d’etre for the medical team…poor Jake.
And who can forget our excitement as we watched Isaiah celebrate the beloved Hallmark holiday known as “New Sock Day”? Or the thrill when he found a gill net so tangled it looked like something you’d pass on at Aquaman’s Thrift Shop? Those things improved his spirits enough for him to shout out to his favorite breakfast place, Tudor’s. Here’s hoping they repay him with a free Big Tator when he returns.
Last week’s award for the calmest contestant goes to William, who barely registered a reaction when he discovered that Sassy the Pine Marten had stolen a week’s worth of his food. Maybe those bear berries he’s been scarfing down contain more Xanax than fruit?
Crying, hair loss, addiction… A list of a new drug’s side effects or a recap of the actions of our most fragile contestant Sarah, you be the judge. So, despite catching two grouse making her better off than some of the other contestants, she went off the deep end, lamenting, “Sometimes I just suck. I knew the real me would be shown.” Wutttt!?!?!?
Episode 5
Okay, this episode had a couple of things happening. But first, a public service message to future contestants: Please don’t sign up for the show if you have a family you like, enjoy doing things with other people, and have never considered living in a windowless basement apartment with your pet snake.
And now, onto the week’s highlights!
***Warning: Earworm ahead!!!***
Who’s the leader of Alone
The show that’s made for you and me?
M-I-C-K-E-Y M-O-O-S-E
(P.S. Once you stop singing it, you’ll realize it actually means Timber!)
I didn’t check Goop’s stock last week, but it probably took a nosedive as we found out that charcoal can actually be used for many of the things we’ve been overpaying Gwyneth Paltrow for, including toothpaste (thank you, Isaiah) and wet feet (kudos, Michela).
Meanwhile, we learned that Jake has a broken tailbone, but he isn’t allowing that to stop him. In fact, he caught one fish, two fish, oh wait, three fish! Yep, the food gods were shining on him as one of the fish in the gill net caught a third fish for him in a selfless act never before seen on the show! He promptly cooked up the pike and cod, only wanting for malt vinegar and some chips!
On the other end of the spectrum, we saw Michela releasing the fish she caught, declaring, “I need to eat it with joy!” This happened after she ordered a rabbit on UberEats and a marten delivered it to her shelter. Oh well, food isn’t everything; she missed people and tapped out…
And Dub, well, he’s got a good shelter and an impressive fishing pole, but he’s still giving off Hannibal Lecter* vibes.
*Has Trump’s continued use of Hannibal Lecter ruined its use for the rest of us?!? I hope not!
KimAloha 
